Cross-Cultural Dilemmas in the Home Stay

I arrived at my home stay on Wednesday night and was warmly greeted by my host mother and younger brother, Eun Chan. My father was at work but later came home to greet me before returning to the office. My host sister is the equivalent to an American junior in high school and attends an elite academy, which means that she boards at school and only comes home on Sundays. The family has been so welcoming and have showered me with attention, support and kindness. They have taken me on family walks, on a trip to a nearby lotus village, on long bike rides through town and to a traditional music concert. The experience has been absolutely wonderful so far and yet I have encountered more ethical and moral dilemmas in these past few days than my previous eight weeks in Korea. Cultural differences had obviously been apparent to me upon arrival but it is amazing how much more you experience these cultural divides when you are living with a family.

My walk over the bridge to school

View from the bridge

My brother and I

A lotus

My host father wanted a picture of me with a lotus hat

My brother and I

My brother after our bike ride along the river

Originally I thought that some of my inner conflicts were due to communication lapses since my host parents speak as much English as I speak Korean, perhaps even less, and my host brother frequently translates for us when either party can't express something. The only problem with this system is that Eun Chan is a sixth grade boy and often does not feel like translating and therefore just doesn't and my parents and I are left in a state of half understanding.

One of the first times this happened was at the dinner table and sparked my first major moral qualm. My host father is extremely excited that I went to Duke and finds a way to discuss my time at Duke, my intelligence or my study habits in every interaction. Although his belief that I must be a genius is very flattering he tends to paint an unrealistic picture of me that makes me rather uncomfortable. My host father continually asks if I had a television in my house, if I was allowed to watch movies, etc. in an attempt to discover just how hard my parents had to push me to get me to go to Duke. The only problem is that my parents didn't push me to go to Duke- they would have been supportive of me regardless. He also frequently asks how many hours a day I would study in high school and if I worked harder than Korean students. Korean high school students are in school until 9 PM and then most study independently until midnight or later. Many Fulbright ETAs have students tell them it's a good night when they stop studying prior to 2AM. So no, I did not work harder than Korean students- not even close! He also asks if I went to a co-ed high school, wore a uniform, dormed at my high school, etc. in an attempt to figure out what was the key to my success that he can then give to his daughter and son.

Although these conversations make me uncomfortable because my brother in elementary school currently studies more than I ever had in my entire life they are something I am hoping will fade with time. I also hope I can slowly but surely assuage my father's fervent convictions that studying for 18 hours a day is the key to success and happiness in life. In the United States there is a belief that going to a great college can bring you success but every child is also instilled with a deep belief in themselves and we are all told that if we continually try to succeed we will regardless of our grades, SAT scores, etc. In fact, every child is continually reminded that even Albert Einstein received C's. In Korea, grades and rankings are everything. My younger brother has already told me numerous times that one must be among the top students in elementary school or one already loses their chance at a good job and decent wage. Because of this kids don't participate in any extracurriculars, even musical or artistic endeavors. These beliefs and values greatly clash with my views of the purpose of education and my views on how one should spend their life. I simply can't see why a society would choose to have it's children spend hours in a library rather than running around, playing with friends, creating art or otherwise enjoying themselves. My interactions with Korean students have also reinforced my belief that this life is not one that children enjoy.

This clash in values has come to a head because my host father has requested that I give a one hour talk on Duke to the academy students at my sister's academy. (An academy is an exclusive after-school school where you go to dorm and study after school ends. Tests are administered periodically and if you don't perform you are asked to leave the academy) I know he wants me to urge the students to study until 2AM every night because he believes that will bring them success but I am not quite sure I can say that to the students. It simply is not true in my mind and yet, Koreans don't understand why a college would value someone being well-rounded. For Koreans, grades and rank are the most important factor in determining your value. There is no benefit to being exceptionally gifted at an instrument or sport, etc. I agreed to give the talk mainly because I wasn't initially sure what I was agreeing to because the conversation was in Korean. Now, as I begin to plan how I want to spend my hour with the students I am forced to discern how to not betray my beliefs while not disappointing my father and not glossing over the fact that it is much harder for an Asian International Applicant to gain acceptance to Duke than it was for me and therefore they are facing an uphill battle. I will let you know how it all turns out as the presentation dates approaches.

This post also ended up being much longer than I expected so I will write more about my dilemmas concerning race, violence and beliefs about Americans in a later post!